All-encompassing guilt

Life gives you much to rue over. My each day begins on a guilt note and that is how I end it.. I am forever facing the torment of not heeding enough to my older child as my attentions have shifted to the younger one.  His life has not been easy as from being the sole focus of my life and the apple of my eyes; he now finds himself at the sidelines and totally bewildered as he is expected to be more sincere, responsible and independent. I am at tenterhooks and completely sapped due to lack to sleep. During day I feel guilt pangs as not being able to help my boy with his homework and also scolding and insinuating him; sometimes unnecessarily about dos and don’ts; especially when I realize it will only make him aggressive and stubborn and that I should not make him my vent. He deserves much more love than I express for him. Its a struggle that envelopes my days and at night it is rush hour to make them sleep and then in the silent brooding hour of night, my guilt trip begins yet again with renewed frenzy as once again I have not been able to listen to the unspoken words, heed to the yearnings and subtle expressions of my husband and older son.. When will this come to a pass? When will I take a detour from this trip and come to an understanding about the way to find my route towards an existence free of laments, sighs, fits of fury and a troubled heart??

Justice at the hands of media

while I am no staunch votary of media’s journalistic practices since it tends to go overboard and sensationalize news but in certain cases, it has turned out to be a saviour for tortured souls. In Ruchika’s molestation case, media has opened its fangs on Rathour and made sure that he didn’t have any more reason to smirk and sneer… Justice delayed is justice denied but at least another war has not gone to lick dust in some ill-fated forgotten files of government machinery.. Manu Sharma may be cursing media for turning the judicial system against him but did he not deserve severe injunctions after his heinous brutal deed? Why should the perpetrators of crime ensconced in higher echelons of power and economic influence go scotfree while even the poor innocents may languish behind bars since they have no resources to wage battle against the devious tilt of justice.. For this I am grateful to media for its zealous journalism.

Where are my words?

I can vouch
for the fact when you stop writing even the words start eluding you.. after
all, they have dignity and deserve tender cherish…. All this time I have been
confabulating with them and writing blogs in my head.. my own words have
sometimes left me amazed with the widened horizons of my emotions and intensity
of suffering . These have been the blogs of unmatched perfection but the moment
I have thought of typing them out, I found myself completely at a loss; their memory
a transitory moment to be endured in the brain and not on the screen.

Moreover, I can
claim that one can write when one is in doldrums; feel angst against everything
this world accounts for, carry a sneer and cynicism against life and feel
morose, shattered, heartbroken and on the edge.. sunshine and happiness are
very limiting while black night and sadness know no bounds when it comes to
weaving rich tapestries with words. Well,after all a writer needs the power of
emotions to bring out the words in him or her. Speaking for myself, while all this time, my heart has not been depraved of the beauties of sufferings but I just did not have enough time to utilize it and allow it to break the barriers with which I insulate my self against the coldness and harshness of life.. Maybe I have become desensitized and while my heart churns laughter and sadness alike… I embrace the joys and consciously allow the sadness to find home in some deep recesses till the next tears start falling..

Shiney so ‘Un’Shiney

 I am shattered to see Shiney in this state.. there are few people you really like and imagine they too fall prey to such fleeting crazy moment.. I m sure this is one sexy escapade he will regret and hate himself for all his life… how disgusting!! i can puke even thinking the horrific details!!

 

In one stroke he killed all the love admirers like  me held for him!

Finally

Whoa! I feel so strange today connecting and typing these words!! Honestly I had lost this part of my life and now I m resurrecting so much of the lost parts back into whole. So much has happened and yes, I have been through so much..both hell and heaven… it is amazing when doctors fear for your life and you are least affected because you refuse to believe that what you read in books could happen to you too. My medical diaries went to an abrupt end as I shifted to AIIMS, N.Delhi and yes a baby boy has joined my brood ..now after all these months I can safely exult and make this declaration!!

 

The cold winter days and before that autumn days that I have left behind truly sucked out the life out of me but I am back smiling my broadest grins again..the exile is over at last!! My days have been so life-changing, phobic, tearful and the journey seemed so long and never-ending that I forgot that I once had a normal existence. However the memory of hospitalization (two-and-half months) refuses to fade yet… and the pain visits in dreams yet that I am unable to write about it today so I better save it for another day..But yes I am happy, very happy

Medical Diaries – 2

 While parenting is an arduous journey, especially in these modern times, even the path to motherhood is a journey laden with trepidation and dread. This is just what I am experiencing these days. I have strong faith that we shall surmount this time yet sometimes the prognosis takes a toll on me and scares the living daylights out of me. Thank god another day breaks and dispels the spell of doom. But the worst part about my confinement is elemental that there is nothing else to do; things which kept me occupied earlier so there is nothing to do or think except the systolic blood pressure reading and progress inside. The most irritating part is the sonographers give me a blue chit, saying the BP should be kept stable but the gynaecologist seems not so upbeat.

Whoever said being mommy was easy was highly mistaken!! Ask me but I shall gladly buy the argument that it is worth the pain, turmoil, anxiety as this is the most life-enriching experience though quite handful too as time progresses with the baby!!

Medical Diaries

This is my twelfth day since being holed up in this white room in the hospital. I am supposedly suffering from PIH (Pregnancy Induced Hypertension) where my blood pressure tends to be on the higher side and which is not good for the foetus as it curtails blood supply between the mother and the baby. The private clinic I was visiting earlier kind of washed its hands on me when my systolic BP started showing a reading of 100 saying that I needed intensive care, even hospitalization so referring me to the government medical college. So here I am now under vigilant observation of doctors being administered to a variety of tests, which thankfully have come allright.  I must confess I feel much safer here as I am under surveillance round the clock. I have this private spacious room with split AC and the quiet alongwith with Salman Rushdie’s Midnight’s Children, newspapers and my own thoughts for company. I have realized that I have no addictions as I don’t miss anything of the outside world since I can concoct the smells and sounds in my own mind. For me priority is the safety of what is growing inside me as well as my own. Rest of the things can wait..

 

The worse part is I really don’t know how long I am going to be here though this has become as good as my room at home.  But I am in no hurry for a hospital discharge rather spend my time safely confined here.